


It's a Warning (To Say Aloha)

by ken_ichijouji (dommific)



Series: Water park 'verse [13]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Attempted Kidnapping, Attempted Murder, Comedy, Luaus, M/M, Terrorism, Vacation, honeymoon fic, jim and bones hawaiian honeymoon -waterpark verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 13:04:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4180866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dommific/pseuds/ken_ichijouji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Bones are enjoying their honeymoon. Or at least they would be if their lives weren't in danger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's a Warning (To Say Aloha)

**Author's Note:**

> So this is late, but finished. Which, I suppose, is all that really matters.
> 
> I say late because it was written for the Saint Patrick’s Day challenge, which was all about the alcoholic beverages. I chose my favorite drink, the Irish Car Bomb, or more commonly, just a Car Bomb. Yes it’s a politically incorrect name, but what matters is that they taste like chocolate and are delicious. Just don’t forget to chug or else it’ll curdle!
> 
> I had that happen once BTW; that kind of ruined the experience.
> 
> Anywho, since I couldn’t just write a fic about Jim and Bones doing Car Bombs (mostly because that went against the rules of the challenge but also that would probably be boring), I opted instead to write about Jim and Bones being on their honeymoon in Maui. 
> 
> But Dommi, you may be asking, what does an Irish Car Bomb have to do with a Hawaiian vacation?
> 
> You’ll just have to read it to find out.
> 
> This takes place a day after the epilogue of [To the End (La Comedie)](http://ken-ichijouji.livejournal.com/28915.html). The title is taken from the song [A Hawaiian Like Me](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNLAvZTC7_A) by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. 
> 
> Most of the information regarding the things Jim and Bones do on their honeymoon comes from [this website](http://www.activitysaversmaui.com/luaus.php). The details for the luau came from [this review](http://www.lahaina-family-vacation.com/grand-wailea-luau.html). Information about [poi](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poi_%28food%29) can be found at Wikipedia. Mahi-mahi and opakapaka are types of fish, specifically a whitefish similar to tilapia and Hawaiian pink snapper, respectively. 
> 
> I would like to point out that the Word Doc for this fic is filled with squiggly red lines because of all of the Hawaiian words. I thought about giving up and adding them all to my dictionary, but I decided against it at the last minute.
> 
> Special thanks to the chat crew for the most ridiculous thing in this story. You'll know it when you see it.

So far, things had been perfect.

Uneventful flight in spite of Bones insisting they were going to die? Check.

Lovely hotel room with a balcony view of the ocean? Check.

Virtually instantaneous removal of all clothing, followed immediately by their first round of married sex? Check.

Good night’s sleep followed by room service followed by more sex followed by more sleep followed by sex followed by room service again culminating in yet another round of sex and then sleep? You bet your ass that’s a check.

Jim stood on the balcony looking down at the ocean below, clad in a pair of pajama pants and a sleeveless undershirt. Bones was taking a shower, so he was alone to think. He leaned against the railing and sighed happily. 

Being married, Jim decided, agreed with him. 

Who knew?

He shifted how he was standing; Bones would bitch at him for being outside without sunscreen, but whatever. It was too nice, the weather was too perfect, to bother with such trivial details.

Bones stepped onto the balcony, his hair wet and neatly parted. He was wearing a black button up shirt and a pair of jeans. “You’re going to turn bright red standing out here like that.”

Jim snorted. “You’re so predictable.”

Bones _harrumphed_ before coming over and putting an arm around Jim’s waist. Jim smiled at him and leaned in close. They stood together and watched the waves.

“It’s weird isn’t it?”

Bones looked at him curiously. “What is?”

“Being at loose ends like this. It’s weird,” Jim explained. “We’ve normally got so much going on all the time, we don’t really get a chance to just…do nothing like this. It’s a nice change.”

“It is, and it’s a good breather before Jo runs us ragged in Savannah next week,” Bones agreed.

“Mmmm,” Jim said with a grin. He pressed a kiss to Bones’ jawline. “I should shower.”

“Before you turn into a lobster? Yeah, probably.”

Jim didn’t answer him with anything except a loud smack on the ass. He began to make his way into the hotel room. “Figure out where you want to eat, because I’m starving,” he called over his shoulder.

“You’re always starving,” he barely heard Bones grumble as he went over to the closet to pick out some clothes. A red polo, a pair of jeans, and some underwear later, he took them into the bathroom. He pushed the buttons on the display panel in the shower, setting the water to a nice hot temperature. Jim let it run for a few minutes, and the room began to fill with steam. 

He took a moment to examine his face in the mirror; he needed to shave, but he was looking pretty happy. In fact, he looked like he was glowing, and it wasn’t from the sun.

Yeah. Marriage agreed with him.

Pausing to give himself the wink and gun, he stripped off his pajama bottoms and stepped into the shower.

\-----

A little under an hour later, the newlyweds sat at an outside table at a restaurant near their hotel. It was a bright, sunny, tropical day and the mere thought of eating inside disagreed with both men.

“Am I allergic to poi?” Jim peered at a menu. He could have put his glasses on, but they were in public, and that shit was _so_ not happening.

Bones peered at him over the lenses of his sunglasses. “Doubtful. It’s fed to babies with severe food allergies, especially to dairy.” He put his own menu down. “Why do you want to know?”

Jim shrugged and lifted his own sunglasses so that they were perched on top of his head. “Dunno. Thinking about trying it.” 

Bones stared at him.

“What?”

“You’re thinking about trying poi?”

“Yeah.”

“You?”

“Yeah,” Jim said slowly.

“You? Really?”

Jim was exasperated. “For God’s sake, _yes_ , why is this so hard to believe?” 

“Because it’s _you_. You eat the same five things all the time, and four of them get drowned in ketchup.” 

“I do not!”

“Okay fine. Six things, I forgot about the California rolls.” Bones looked oddly smug. “My point is that you’re not the adventurous type when it comes to food. You know what you like, and you stick with it. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

Jim stared at his husband with an incredulous look. “You’re calling me boring.”

It was hard to tell through the sunglasses, but it was pretty apparent that Bones rolled his eyes. “You’re not boring, that’s not at all what I’m saying. You’re a very adventurous person, just…not with what you eat.” He took a sip of water. “Besides, you’d hate poi.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I know you Jim, and if the flavor doesn’t get you the texture will. It’s kind of…like paste.”

“Shows what you know because paste is awesome.” Jim huffed. “I’m ordering the poi.” 

“You should probably get something else too,” Bones said in a singsong voice. Jim frowned at him.

“Nope, just the poi.” He crossed his arms and looked away from the smug look on Bones’ face. “That’s all I need.”

“Okay, Jim.” Bones kept looking smug. “I’m going to get a sandwich.”

Jim stuck his tongue out at him. Bones pushed the appropriate buttons on the PADD and ordered their food and drinks. The two men sat back and enjoyed the feel of the warm sunlight.

“This place is pretty perfect,” Jim finally said.

“We’ve barely seen any of it.”

“I’ve seen enough to know what I’m saying. I mean, it’s called paradise for a reason,” Jim pointed out as he put his sunglasses back down over his eyes.

Bones nodded. “That’s true.” He fiddled with his watch. “Want to go to the beach later?”

“Mmm,” Jim said. “That sounds nice. It’ll be less crowded too.”

“Yeah. You know me and crowds.”

“I do know you and crowds,” Jim admitted with a fond smile. He reached out his hand across the table and Bones took it with a grin. They smiled at each other.

Jim turned from his husband to watch the nearby crowds walking past. They sat in comfortable silence, and a waitress came and brought their drinks. Jim smiled up at her and Bones thanked her quietly.

“I just realized I was wrong.”

“This is a momentous occasion,” Jim couldn’t help but say. “About what?”

“I forgot about your incessant snacking on jerky. So you eat seven things.”

Jim frowned and jerked his hand away. “Ass.”

Bones didn’t say anything; he just took a long drink of his iced tea. Jim scowled at him.

After a few minutes of this, their waitress returned with their food. Jim stared blankly at the bowl in front of him. It was filled with something purplish that looked kind of like soup. He looked across the table at Bones’ sandwich and fries. He looked back down at the bowl.

Bones was already eating. Jim sighed; maybe he should have listened to Bones earlier. Oh well. It probably tasted fine. He picked up the wooden spoon and put a heaping amount onto it. He slowly raised it to his lips before opening his mouth and putting the poi inside it.

Holy God it really was like eating paste.

Jim did everything he could to avoid spitting it out. Not only did it feel like paste, it was almost sickly sweet. It was terrible. It was the worst thing Jim had put in his mouth since Gary Mitchell.

“How’s the poi,” Bones said with a smug look on his face.

“Fine,” Jim said through his teeth. He forced himself to swallow it, fighting back the urge to gag. His eyes started to water a little as he choked it down.

Just…Jesus Christ.

Bones continued eating his sandwich as if nothing was wrong. Jim stared down at the bowl as if it had just insulted his mother. He was starving, but just…just _no_.

“You’re not eating.”

“Hm?”

Bones smirked. “You’re not eating. Don’t like it, do you?” 

Jim scowled. “It’s fine.”

The smirk on Bones’ face grew larger. “Of course it is. That’s why you’re not eating it and taking that one bite nearly killed you.”

Jim looked down at the poi. He looked back up at Bones. He looked down at the poi, then back up to Bones again. Without another word, he grabbed the menu PADD and ordered a cheeseburger. Bones began to laugh.

“Yeah, yeah,” Jim snapped. “See if you get any tonight.”

Bones abruptly stopped laughing. “Sore loser,” he groused, and Jim grinned at him in response.

It was at this moment that the car exploded across the street.

“Shit,” Jim shouted as he and Bones both ducked down under the table. People around them were running and screaming. A piece of flaming debris came flying at them, narrowly missing Bones’ arm. The area was filled with chaos.

A group of four people dressed in the same uniform came from behind a building. They were Aehallh goons, and they were armed as they scoured the area for something.

Or someone.

Jim narrowed his eyes. “Shit,” he said a second time, albeit more quietly.

“Didn’t we blow those shitbags up?” Bones said in a low voice.

“Obviously not all of them. Fuck, how did they know where to find us?”

Bones glared at the goons from behind his glasses. “Suppose it’s too much to hope for that they’re after someone else.”

“Kirk,” one of the terrorists shouted. “We know you’re here!”

Jim gave Bones a pointed look as if to say _duh_. 

That was when the shots rang out from above. Three of the goons went down immediately. The one left standing ducked behind a tree and took aim in the direction the shots were fired from; she must have missed, going by the sour look on her face.

Jim moved in front of Bones a little as they looked up in the direction of the phaser fire. More shots rang from above and some came from around a corner nearby. The woman was hit twice and went down accordingly. 

The screaming had mostly stopped, as many of the civilians had run during the explosion. Jim peered around the edge of the table to make sure there weren’t any more terrorists. 

“Sir,” a voice asked from above. Jim and Bones looked up into the eyes of a woman. She was tall, with short reddish brown hair and blue eyes. She was in civilian clothing, although the phaser rifle in her hand undermined the picture of a tourist she was undoubtedly trying to present. “We’ve secured the perimeter. You’re both clear.”

Jim blinked up at her. “Uh. Thanks, Lieutenant. Or…I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

“You don’t need it,” she said with a wave, and Jim frowned at her. “The counter-snipers and I took care of the Aehallh in the vicinity. You’re clear for a kilometer radius, so don’t worry about finishing your lunch. We’re not going anywhere.”

Bones looked at Jim expectantly. Jim shrugged.

“How’d you guys know,” Bones began.

“We’re trying to round up the members that weren’t destroyed in Sistene’s mission. Intel reported they’d be likely to come after you in revenge.” She shrugged. “Like I said, we’re not going anywhere.” She slung the strap of the rifle over one arm. “Enjoy your honeymoon. Hopefully I won’t be talking with you again.” With a wave, she walked off back into the building.

Jim and Bones looked at each other once more; both of them had bewildered looks on their faces. After a moment, realization dawned on Jim and he rolled his eyes.

“Fucking Pike,” was all he said.

\-----

“Is there a reason you didn’t tell me that I was going to be shadowed on my honeymoon,” Jim shouted into the vidphone not fifteen minutes later. The couple elected to not go to the beach after all, but instead headed back to their hotel room in order to regroup. Room service was ordered, and Jim had spent ten minutes scouring the room for bugs and assassins.

“Is there a reason that you’re shouting?” Pike, however, looked bored with the whole thing.

“I’m not shouting,” Jim shouted. “All right fine, I’m fucking shouting. You knew about this possibility and you didn’t warn us! And then also instead of warning us, you just fucking have us followed by spec ops! Or were they already here and just waiting for your say so?”

Bones placed a hand on Jim’s back, and he was immediately calmed somewhat. Granted under normal circumstances he would also be freaking out, but Jim was clearly doing enough of that for the both of them. “What Jim is trying to say, sir, is that it’s a bit of a shock to be enjoying a leisurely lunch on your honeymoon, and then suddenly have a car explode.”

Christopher looked at them, clearly choosing his words carefully. “We knew about the likelihood of such an attack during the wedding. Instead of ruining your day, I figured I would keep things quiet. In a perfect world, you wouldn’t even have to know about the agents or think about the Aehallh.”

Jim glared at him. “We don’t live in a perfect world. Never have.”

“Touche.” Pike sat back in his chair, and they could see that Rand was standing behind him. She gave a short little wave, causing Jim to roll his eyes.

“Sir, about this,” Bones began and his mouth was tight around the edges. “My family’s in Georgia and…”

Pike looked as if he was expecting that. “They’re already taken care of. As long as the Aehallh doesn’t try anything, your daughter won’t even know they’re there.”

Bones closed his eyes and sighed in relief. Jim forgot his rage and looked to him. He reached out and took Bones’ free hand in his. They stood like that for a moment before Jim turned his attention back to Pike.

“You still should have told us, ruining our wedding day or not,” he admonished.

“You’re probably right, but I don’t regret not telling you either. You at least had a day to do nothing but relax. Hell, more than that, the agents were on the same flight as you two.”

Bones snorted, and Jim scowled. 

“We’re stuck with them until we go back into space, aren’t we?”

“You really have to ask that after what just happened,” Janice said, causing Pike to chuckle. Jim glared at both of them. Pike didn’t stop, but he did have the grace to laugh more quietly to himself. Janice looked down at him with a grin before turning her attention back to Jim and Bones. 

“Anyway, you’re fine. Agent Doubting reports that there were minimal casualties. Starfleet’s footing the bill for the damage to the car and the restaurant. Don’t let this hinder your fun.” Something occurred to him then, and he grew more serious. “Don’t hide indoors, either. It’s your honeymoon, act like it. That’s an order.”

It was Bones’ turn to roll his eyes as Jim frowned at Pike. “But…”

“That’s an _order_ , Jim. I can do that, you know, what with the whole Admiral thing I’ve got going on.” He looked up at Janice, who smiled brightly at him. He smiled back at her. “Pike out.”

The screen went blank and the line went dead. 

“’It’s your honeymoon, act like it’, he says. Easy for him to say, he’s not getting shot at when he tries to order a sandwich.”

“Or choke down poi.”

“Never letting that go, are you?”

“Nope.”

Jim shoved his husband away from him. “Whatever, room service should be beamed in momentarily, thank God.” He huffed. “And you’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Aw, darlin’,” Bones said in a low voice, causing Jim to blush. “You don’t mean that.”

“First, that’s not fair when you do that, you know what your voice does to me. And second, _darlin’_?” Jim cocked his head to one side.

Bones looked guilty. “Don’t want me to call you that?”

“No I just…” Jim flushed again. “I mean I like it. You’ve just never used it before.” He thought to himself. “I have a nickname for you, so I guess it’s only fair. I mean don’t use it in front of people, that’d be embarrassing, not because of any other reason than how it makes me feel. But when we’re alone like now…I’d like that.”

Smiling a little, Bones put his hands on his hips and pulled him close. “All right then…darlin’.” He pressed a kiss to Jim’s cheek. Jim _hm_ ed, but he did tilt his head into it. Bones pulled back and smiled before kissing him on the lips. Jim parted his mouth, allowing Bones to slowly slip his tongue inside it. They kissed each other for a long while.

The kiss eventually ended, and Jim nuzzled into Bones’ neck. His husband tightened his arms around him in response.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Jim said softly as Bones ran a hand down his back.

“Same here,” he finally replied. Bones sighed. “Same here.”

A bright flash came from the table next to the balcony door. Their food was beamed in; it sat on two placemats with utensils and two glasses of water. Jim brightened considerably as he half-shoved Bones off of him.

“Foooooooooooood,” he said as he scampered to the table. “Yes!”

Bones sighed with a heavy frown. “I see how it is.”

“Mmmphhhh wht,” Jim looked at him with half of his cheeseburger hanging out of his mouth. Bones shook his head.

“Nothing, never mind. Let’s just eat so we can make plans for later.” Before his sentence was even finished, Jim went back to eating. It was annoying, and yet Bones could only half-smile fondly at him. 

God help him, but he loved Jim with everything he had.

Even if Jim did love food more than him sometimes.

\-----

The day was finishing up uneventfully. They ate their lunch, had sex, and went to the beach. Jim only burned on his shoulders and the bridge of his nose, so he considered it a success. Bones, however, had turned more golden in the sun.

The bastard.

In his own words, Jim wanted to be wined and dined that night. As they didn’t get many actual chances to be romantic, Bones decided to oblige him. He disappeared mysteriously for fifteen minutes after they returned from the beach, and he looked rather pleased when he returned. Jim assumed this meant plans had been made with a grin. He even let Bones grab the first shower, with the caveat that they get dressed separately. 

Speaking of Bones, he was somewhat quiet during the rest of the afternoon, Jim reflected as he fixed the cuffs of his shirt. Quiet and not sarcastic really, come to think of it.

Jim sighed.

It was obvious that this whole terrorist cell stalking them on their honeymoon thing was getting to him. He kept trying to distract him with a kiss here or a touch there. He even made a joke at his own expense about the poi.

It was part of why he insisted on their going out to dinner. It was as much of a distraction for Bones as it was for him.

Admittedly, they didn’t get romantic nights much. Partly because that just wasn’t how they normally acted, but mostly because they were just so busy. Some days they were lucky if they saw each other for more than ten minutes. 

It was nice to be romantic, though. 

Well, sometimes at least.

If he could just get Bones to focus on him instead of the terrorists, things would be okay. It wasn’t fair for him to have to dwell on things while he was supposed to be enjoying his honeymoon. 

Which was why Jim was bringing out the big guns.

He had ordered this outfit behind Bones’ back when they planned this trip six weeks ago. The shirt was the color of irises with a slight sheen to the fabric, and the suit was black. The top two buttons of the shirt were undone, and the color did wonderful things for his skin and eyes. 

Yeah, he looked good.

Jim ran his fingers through his hair before turning to push the button and open the door. He stepped out into the main part of their hotel room.

Bones stood staring at him with a dumbfounded expression.

“Like it,” Jim said with a grin. 

“Hhnggh,” was Bones’ eloquent reply. Jim’s grin brightened.

“Exactly what I was going for.” He reached out a hand and Bones took it without a word. Jim fumbled with his other hand to make sure he had a room key and they began to make their way to the elevator. They rode in near-silence, Bones having regained his footing enough to begin humming. 

They exited the elevator into the lobby of their hotel, and Jim was pleased to note that they got quite a few looks from staff and guest alike. Sure they were checking him out, but they were checking out Bones too. He always loved it when Bones wore suits, and this just reminded him of why.

The restaurant was only a few short blocks away, and they continued to walk hand in hand down the street. Jim would point things out to Bones, places he wanted to eat at or stores he wanted to check out. 

Being together like that made everything worthwhile.

It wasn’t long before they reached their destination. Ever the gentleman Bones held the door open for Jim, who blinked at him in surprise. It wore off quickly, and Jim stepped inside. 

The hostess, who was a pretty blonde girl with big blue eyes, looked up at them with a smile. “Reservation?”

“McCoy, party of two,” Bones said. She scrolled down the PADD until she came across the right name.

“Your table is being set up, it will only be another moment,” she said. “Would you like to have a drink at the bar while you wait?”

Jim and Bones looked at each other; Jim shook his head. “No, we’ll wait. It’s fine.”

She nodded. “Please have a seat,” she said with a gesture to some nearby chairs. Bones waited for Jim to take a seat before he followed suit, unbuttoning his jacket as he did so. Jim laced his fingers with his own.

“I should dress up more often if it makes you act like this,” he said in a teasing voice. Bones frowned.

“You dress up more often, and I’ll never get anything accomplished.” 

Jim laughed. “You’re probably right.” He rested his thigh against Bones’ and held their hands in his lap. 

True to her word, after only about a minute the hostess came towards them. “Gentlemen, your table’s ready. This way please,” she said and she gestured for them to follow her. They stood and made their way to their table; it was intimate, lit by candles, and in a more private section of the restaurant. It was perfect. 

Bones paused by the chair that had its back to the wall and held it out. Jim looked at him in surprise before taking the offered seat. Bones sat across from him and they began to peruse the wine list.

“I seem to recall that when I did something similar for you, you got all shirty with me about it,” Jim said in a light tone. 

Bones sat across from him with a smile. “I did, but that was more because it came out of nowhere. There’s precedent for me to be like this with you tonight.”

Jim smiled. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

“Guilty.” He went back to looking over the wine list. “Red or white?”

“White probably, I’m most likely getting the mahi mahi.” Jim squinted down at the menu, once again having refused to bring his glasses. “It’s the only thing that has a sauce that isn’t weird.”

“That works out well since I’m eyeing the opakapaka.” Bones went back to the wine list. “Probably something crisp since you don’t really care for sweet.”

Jim shrugged. “I’ll defer to you on that.”

“Right.”

Their waiter arrived, and he quickly took their wine order. He left them alone after that, and Bones reached out and took Jim’s hands in his.

“This is nice, I’m glad you insisted we do this,” he said after a while. 

“Eh, we deserve it,” Jim said. “Besides, it’s our honeymoon. Romance is the whole point of this.”

“True,” Bones said. He brought one of Jim’s hands to his mouth. “You look amazing tonight, darlin’.” He pressed a kiss Jim’s knuckles.

Jim’s cheeks flushed from pleasure. “You’re just saying that so you don’t have to sleep on the couch. I haven’t forgotten about that, by the way.”

Bones pressed another kiss to his knuckles, and the flush deepened. 

“Okay. You can have the opposite side of the bed from me. But we’re not snuggling, and you’re not getting any.”

Bones dropped Jim’s hand from his mouth with a heated look. “We’ll see.”

Jim cleared his throat. “Maybe a little snuggling.”

As Bones’ expression turned smug, another waiter came to their table with the wine in a chiller. He showed the bottle to Bones who glanced at it.

Then he looked at it again.

“I think there’s been a mistake, that’s not what I ordered,” Bones said with a smile.

The waiter smiled at each of them in turn. “Oh no sir, this is the right bottle. Chateau _de Maupassant_.”

Bones glared up at the waiter as Jim shifted in his chair.

Oh, for _fuck’s sake._

The waiter’s attention was focused on Bones, so Jim took the opportunity he had before him. He grabbed the knife off the table, stood, held it to the waiter’s throat, and pinned one of his arms behind his back.

“Okay, seriously? You guys are pissing me off.”

The hostess came running from around the corner; her phaser was aimed right at the waiter’s head. Jim glanced at her.

“I’ve got him, sir,” she said in a serious tone. “How many more of you are here?”

The goon didn’t answer, causing Jim to tighten the knife against his neck. “Answer her.”

He growled a little in disgust. “Two more in the kitchen. Three outside.”

Not training her phaser or her eyes off his face, she lifted one of her wrists to her mouth. It was then that Jim realized she was wearing the same watch Chapel had at their bachelor party. That proved it, that she was one of Pike’s. “Seacrest to Mac, we’ve been breached.”

_Copy that Seacrest. We’ve got three surrounded outside. Any more where you are?_

“Two in the kitchen.”

_On it_.

She dropped her wrist. “The wine please, Doctor McCoy.”

Bones passed her the bottle. She pulled the cork out and took a sniff. “Cyanide.” She turned to her attention back to the goon. “That’s subtle for you people.”

“I’m not talking.”

Winehouse smirked. “We’ll see.” She grabbed the goon’s arm. “You can drop the knife now, Captain.” Jim let him go and backed off as she began to steer him outside. She stopped and looked over her shoulder to Jim and Bones. “Quick recommendation; the opakapaka is _to die for_.” She paused. “Er…”

“We know what you meant,” Bones said in a dry tone.

Her smile was sunny. “Right. Anyways, gotta finish my work. Enjoy!”

Bones and Jim watched them go with matching looks of disbelief on their faces.

“It’s unsettling how normal this is becoming,” Jim said in a low voice as he waved to all the patrons he just noticed were staring at them.

“Yeah. I just…” Bones shook his head. “Maybe we should give up.”

“We haven’t ordered yet, we could still have a nice dinner,” Jim said as he sat back down. “I mean, Pike’s agents probably have them all in custody by now. There’s no reason why we can’t still have a good time.”

The look on Bones’ face was weary. “I meant on the honeymoon.”

Jim stared at him for a solid minute before saying, “That’s not funny.”

“Good, I’m not kidding.” Bones sat back in his chair. “This is gonna keep happening as long as we’re here. Hell, it’ll probably follow us to Georgia.”

“And it will be taken care of, just like it has been twice already.” Jim was glaring at him openly. Married for forty-eight hours and they were about to have their first fight. Fantastic. “Sure it’s inconvenient but we’ve never given up on anything we’ve started. Why do it now?”

“Because we don’t normally put innocent people’s lives at risk,” Bones hissed across the table. “Yeah, you know when we’re up in space and hostile aliens come after us, the only lives at risk are ours. We’re in Starfleet, we _volunteered_ for it. What if people had been in that car earlier or got shot in the crossfire?”

Jim opened his mouth before snapping it closed.

Fuck.

Bones was right.

“I’m not disputing that it’s dangerous,” Jim finally said. “Believe me, I’d lose a lot of sleep if someone got hurt because of us. But it’s not right for us to give up on our honeymoon either, Bones. Because if we give up on it, if we give up on our honeymoon, then _the terrorists win_.”

Bones gave him a baleful look. “ _The terrorists win_ , Jim? Really? What are you, a piece of twenty-first century American propaganda?”

Ouch. 

“It was a bit hyperbolic, but it still stands to reason that we go on the run, and we’re giving them what they want.” Jim pulled his napkin off the table and placed it in his lap. “From a tactical standpoint, we should keep doing what we’re doing because this is flushing them out. Instead of Starfleet having to hunt these assholes down, they’re coming to us. As long as Pike is watching they can be captured and brought to justice. Without us being in the open, they’ll continue to stay underground and evade the authorities.”

Bones expression shifted from stony to grudging acceptance. “Your point is salient, and I hate you a little for it.”

Jim turned smug. “You’re just mad because I’m right.”

“If they come after Jo, we’re done.”

Jim gave Bones a look as if to say _what do you take me for_. “If they come after _any_ of your family, we’re done. I’d think that would go without saying.” 

Bones didn’t look too optimistic, but he did relax a little. “Fine, but I reserve the right to change my mind about this.”

“Of course, pookie,” Jim said with a wink. Bones scowled. “Too soon?”

Yet another waiter came to them, this time with the correct bottle of wine. Bones nodded his approval and he opened it and poured a small amount into Bones’ glass. Bones held the glass up to his nose and sniffed it once. He then drank the wine. “It’s fine,” he said to the waiter, who then poured it in their glasses in turn. With a slight bow, he went on his way.

“Look at you putting the _assy_ in _classy_ ,” Jim said with a grin. Bones rolled his eyes.

“Someone has to in this relationship,” he retorted. Jim snickered and reached out his hands, and Bones grudgingly took them. 

After that, they took their time with dinner, killed two bottles of the pinot grigio, split a dessert, and walked back to their hotel. 

And maybe Jim caved on the whole snuggling and sex issue.

\-----

In the days that followed, several more attempts were made to kill Jim and Bones.

Attempt #1: Jim had insisted on a bike tour involving Haleakala Crater. Bones humored him even though he was convinced that the volcano was just dormant, not extinct, and they went on the day tour together. The views of the red cones were breathtaking in the light, and Jim snapped lots of pictures.

That is, until the Aehallh goons tried to garrote him.

Other tour members who clearly worked under Pike quickly dispatched them. An Agent Harvard snapped a couple of pictures of the two of them together before they biked with their guide back to Wailea. 

Attempt #2: They took a sunset horseback ride up into Maile Pai Valley. The views were breathtaking, and they saw many ancient villages and exotic plants and animals. It was very romantic and lush, and Jim had to admit that sometimes Bones’ ideas were as good as his.

The ride was set upon by a gang of Aehallh goons with machetes, who were promptly stunned by phaser blasts from Pike’s people. Jim was starting to recognize them now, and he was somewhat comforted by that fact. 

Anyway, the ride was lovely; it would be something they would remember for the rest of their lives.

Attempt #3: Jim really wanted to try surfing, and in spite of Bones’ protestations that he was going to drown horribly, he went up for lessons while Bones read on a PADD on the beach and watched.

This was when the Aehallh goons dressed up as sharks.

Jim, of course, knew something was up when the sharks had lasers protruding from their heads.

“Is it me or they getting desperate,” Jim asked Bones as he watched Agent Nestle escort two coughing and sputtering Aehallh members into police custody. “I mean, it’s pretty obvious at this point why de Maupassant was their leader.”

“I feel like I’m in a spy comedy. A bad one,” Bones agreed as he rubbed Jim’s shoulder lightly.

\-----

It was their last night in Wailea, and they decided to go to a traditional luau. They went all out, opting for the preferred seating tables a row back from the stage instead of the general admission seats. Bones and Jim were greeted with leis and a special tribute hulu in honor of their recent marriage. Jim dragged Bones into the preshow hulu lesson.

Both of them were terrible at it.

The mai tais flowed freely, and they helped themselves to the buffet.

“Oh look Jim, it’s your favorite,” Bones said lightly while gesturing at the poi. Jim shuddered violently.

“I’m ignoring you.”

Bones helped himself to a little of the poi before turning to the noodle salad. “I got enough to share, since I know how much you _enjoy_ it.”

“I said I’m ignoring you, dammit,” Jim grumbled as he grabbed some roast pork. “I’m married to an asshole.” 

“You are,” Bones agreed as he also grabbed some pork. “That makes me your ideal match.”

“…Well-played, Bones,” Jim grudgingly admitted. “Well-played.” They made their way back to their seats and sat down. Just in time it seemed, as the torch lighting and Imu ceremony were beginning. 

Bones checked the program in the PADD on their table. “It says here that the show ends with a master fire knife performance.”

“Awesome!” Naturally, Jim approved. “Glad I brought the camera.”

Bones nodded his agreement as he took a sip of his mai tai. “How many pictures have you taken, anyhow?”

Jim pulled up the memory information on the back display. “762, but I haven’t gone through and deleted the bad ones yet.”

“Which means you’ll only delete maybe seven because you don’t take bad pictures, whether you’re in front of or behind the camera, darlin’.”

Jim smiled at Bones. “Well I mean…I _am_ that good-looking and talented.”

“Why do I even bother,” Bones said with a roll of his eyes. Jim laughed and took his hand in his. They sat closely together as the show began before them. The entire cast took the stage to tell the story of the Tahitians’ migration across the Pacific for a better life. 

The dancing was amazing and performed with ease. Jim and Bones were spellbound along with the rest of the crowd as the dances moved, illuminated by the fire from the torches and the sunset behind them. 

The full cast dance ended to loud cheers and whistles as a soloist came onstage. She was wearing shells all over her body that caught the light as she moved. This dance was more sensual than the last, almost like being in a dream. They were utterly captivated by her movements, and they moved in even closer to one another. Jim had to shake himself out of it to take pictures, opting to keep the flash off in order to better capture the effects of her costume. 

Her dance ended to thunderous applause. She quickly exited the stage as male dancers began to make their way through the audience, as if they were hunting for something. They even had fake weapons and were making loud war cries. 

Two of the dancers passed right by their table. Jim snapped a quick picture as Bones craned his neck to get a better view.

As Jim snapped the picture he realized that the dancers by their table were awfully pale to be working in a luau. 

_Shit_.

“Bones,” he hissed. Bones looked at him with a questioning expression. 

At this moment, the two dancers put their very real knives into their backs. 

“Don’t make any sudden moves,” one of the “dancers” snapped. “Nice and easy, and there’ll be no trouble.”

“I highly doubt that,” Bones said archly.

“We’re just gonna go outside, just do what we say, and no one will get hurt.”

“I also highly doubt that,” Bones snapped again. Jim was scanning the crowd. Pike’s agents normally appeared by now. What was the freaking hold up?

The dancers continued onstage as if nothing was happening. None of the audience seemed to notice what was going on, either. 

Shit, hell, and _goddamn_.

Jim and Bones had no choice; they had to do what they were told. Slowly, they began to rise from their seats.

Two of the dancers began to move into the audience. They emitted loud screams as they jumped, landing right in front of their table.

Come to mention it, they were pale for hulu dancers too.

“Drop your weapons!”

The goons dug the knives more sharply into Jim and Bones’ backs. “Not a chance. You make any move at all, and we slice them to ribbons.”

The first agent glanced sidelong at the second. “We said drop your weapons.”

“You Federation dogs deaf or something?”

“It’s cool,” Jim said in a low tone of voice. “No need to make a scene.” Bones just looked pissed so, you know, things were normal there. Jim felt another presence come up behind them. He didn’t move or give it away; he just stood with his hands raised.

The sound of phasers rung out into the night, and the knife left Jim’s back. He heard the unmistakable sound of a body hitting the ground. He and Bones looked behind them. 

Yeah, they’d been stunned all right. The two touristy-looking people whom Jim now recognized as Agents Seacrest and Doubting were undoubtedly behind this. The two agents in front of him lowered their weapons and began to zip-tie the goons’ wrists.

It was then that they realized the dancing had stopped. The audience was staring at all of them in complete silence.

At least, they were until they began a round of thunderous applause. 

Bones, Jim, and the agents all looked at each other with puzzled expressions.

“They think it’s part of the act,” Bones whispered to Jim.

“They totally think it’s part of the act,” Jim whispered back. He shrugged and looked at the agents. He then moved ahead of everyone by a few steps and took a bow. Bones rolled his eyes, and the agents all shrugged.

Then they, too, went with it and bowed. 

“Unbelievable,” Bones mumbled before Jim pulled him into a bow.

After a few minutes of this, Jim and Bones took their seats as the agents took the goons away. The dancing resumed on stage, and once again, the mai tais flowed freely.

Luaus, Jim decided, kicked ass.

\-----

It was their last day on the island, and once more Jim was standing on their balcony in just an undershirt and his pajama bottoms. They were due to fly out that afternoon; Bones’ family minus Jo would be meeting them at the airport.

He sighed as he looked out across the water.

Okay, so…it hadn’t been the best honeymoon.

But…it hadn’t been the worst honeymoon, either.

In spite of all the harrowing and sometimes funny attempts on their lives, they did some really amazing things. They saw sights they would never forget for the rest of their lives. Jim had some awesome new pictures for his desk and their quarters. Bones had a splendid tan that he was quite vocal about appreciating. 

It had all worked out in the end.

Bones came onto the balcony then with a cup of coffee in one hand, also in his pajamas. He stood next to Jim without a word, and they watched the waves together.

“I’m kind of sorry to leave,” Jim said, causing Bones to snort.

“You would be.”

Jim turned his attention to Bones. “It wasn’t all bad, you know.”

Bones took a sip of the coffee. “No, it wasn’t.”

They stood together, again in silence. Jim nudged Bones’ shoulder with his own. Bones snorted and nudged him back. Jim smiled and rested his head on his shoulder as Bones wrapped an arm around his waist.

“Should probably go ahead and pack,” Jim said softly.

“We’ve got time for that.”

“Mmmm,” he said in a non-committal tone. “Better we do it now than we scramble later.”

Bones looked at him with heat in his eyes. “Or we could put that incredibly soft bed to use one more time.”

Jim grinned. “You’re stalling.”

“No, if I was asking to learn how to surf with you _that_ would be stalling. This is something that I genuinely love doing.” Bones nuzzled into him as best as he could given the angle of Jim’s head. Jim’s grin grew larger. 

“Hm. Okay.” He moved so that he could take Bones’ hand. “Let’s.”

Bones smiled back and they headed back inside the room. They made love to the sounds of the ocean. Then they showered, packed, and bid aloha to Wailea. 

One thing was for certain; they had a hell of a story to tell Bones’ aunt and uncle.


End file.
